Queen wipes Osbourne at Poker
The queen has sensationally won a game of poker against the treasury that is set to cost the taxpayer an eye-watering £1 billion pounds.
So desperate is the new government to raise money that George Osbourne invited her majesty to No11 for a 'cordial' game of cards in the hope of topping up government coffers, but failed to anticipate the monarch's savvy hustling skills.
Things started in the normal fashion with a one 'guinea' blind which had been the tradition since 1812 but ended in Osbourne betting the keys to the MoD, Home Office and Foreign Office and then losing.
So what happened?
Osbourne started with 8 and 10 of hearts, QE2 2 sixes. 'The flop' was a teasing 2, 3 and 7 of hearts. Osbourne up'ed the stakes to £100,000,000 for the home office and the queen duly matched - asking that a dozen 'old masters' be brought to the table - meanwhile requesting some sunglasses, chewing tobacco and a spit bowl.
The 'turn' card was a 6 of spades. With his 'flush' in the bag, the chancellor went for broke - adding the MoD in the pot. The Queen with equally deep pockets calmly added the deeds to Australia.
And so it was 'to the river card'. In a haze of smoke and tension, down it dropped - yet another 6. The Lord of the Dominions stayed calm, even with her '4 or a kind' she sipped her gin and dubonnet. But Osbourne had to make a play, handing over the foreign office in the process. Sadly for the taxpayer - the rest is history.
The following morning Osbourne, still clothed on his bathroom floor, called Mervyn King - "HMQ has the keys to most of Whitehall but she doesn't want any of it. Can you courier £1 billion to SW1A 1AA and let everyone in please? Sorry, I won't ask again."
NHS HOSPITALS 'BETTER THAN BEING HOMELESS', CLAIMS LUNATIC
SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.
Christopher Dearlove said that NHS wards had the edge over a disused carpet factory teeming with rats and that hospital food is better than scraping something brown and sticky off the side of a wheelie bin.
Mr Dearlove, who has admitted himself fraudulently to six state run hospitals, was yesterday served with an antisocial behaviour order and told to stay well away from the NHS if he knew what was good for him.
Experts now predict that millions of people across Britain will apply for their own healthcare 'asbo' wristband, amid fears they could be knocked unconscious and treated by the NHS by mistake.
Claiming to be a fully qualified 'Jesus Astronaut' with solid gold telescopic legs and a bionic chin, Mr Dearlove added: "I know it must be really difficult for people to get their heads round, but I think what I enjoy most is the sense of danger.
"The thought that every time I am admitted there is a less than 20% chance I will come out of it alive. I suppose I'm a bit like one of those 1950s test pilots, but with dodgy bed linen and a pudding that looks like an aborted calf."
But Julian Cook, a homeless man from north London, said: "The thought of spending the night in an NHS hospital makes me want to throw up the rather tangy, half-eaten tortilla wrap I had for breakfast.
"In my experience the NHS makes being homeless seem like a month at the Savoy. And that's based on nothing more than a couple of minor outpatient treatments and the fact that I used to be head of thoracic surgery at Doncaster Royal Infirmary."
He added: "By the way, this is the bathtub I've been sleeping in for the last six years. As you can see it is completely free from both MRSA and clostridium difficile.
"And I also use it as a toilet."
Superdrug pulls Katie Price perfume
Reality TV star Katie Price's perfume has been pulled from Superdrug's shelves because of "ethical" reasons, according to the high street store. It coincides with another perfume range, Spoof, by Vacherie, also being withdrawn.
That followed a report claiming the fragrances were made 'from the blood, sweat and tears of Indian workers.' And they meant literally.
The report claims that a factory in Mumbai making clothes for a well known low-cost high street fashion store, attaches tubing to their workforce in order to extract the ingredients for the perfume. The workers are paid well, but the working conditions are far from ideal, so the ingredient recovery is very effective.
A spokeswoman for the company said that the ratios of ingredients were naturally adjusted to give the correct 'notes' for each fragrance. "A hot summer produces a muskier scent with a salty tang," she explained, "whereas pinker, coppery-scented themes are associated with temporary holiday workers and an increased industrial accident rate."
Surprisingly, this was enough to prompt several high street stores to withdraw all Spoof perfume on ethical grounds.
The Spoof perfume range consists of two distinct fragrances; Spoof by Night, a dark, exotic scent guaranteed to spice up an evening rendezvous, and Spoof Sportiff, for splashing in your trainers after two hours in the gym.
BP Announces New "Harvest Your Own Oil Program"
Marketing director for beleaguered giant oil company BP announced a new "Harvest Your Own Oil" program for US consumers. Newly employed, Mr. Matthews stated that the problem with deep sea oil has previously been that it is "deep down in the sea," but that thanks to BP's recent technological advances, "that is no longer the case."
"Now," he said, "we have lots of surface oil that anyone with two, or even one hand, can harvest themselves." Matthews explained that American consumers are always enthused with "do-it-yourself" projects and other harvesting programs such as "pick-your-own" fruits and vegetables. "Now," he said, "the American consumer can harvest his or her own crude oil."
For just a few dollars a gallon, people can come out with bleach bottles or milk cartons or whatever, and get their own crude. For everyone who has been asking how to help with cleaning up the Gulf oil spill, Mathews explained that this program will do that too. Volunteerism and self sufficiency at the same time. When asked by this reporter if the program "Would be killing two birds with one stone?" Matthews twisted his face in a very uncharitable expression and said "No, not at all, poor choice of words."
A more detailed explanation of the program will be available from corporate shortly and will be released to all news media.
Gordon Brown found in cupboard at No.10
Ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been found hiding in a cupboard near the Cabinet Office at No.10 Downing Street.
The discovery was made by cleaning staff shortly after Prime Minister Cameron's historic first Cabinet Meeting of the Liberal-Tory coalition.
Brown is reportedly in a dishevelled state and it was revealed he has been living in the cupboard for the past 48 hours. He has drilled a small hole into the adjoining wall of the Cabinet Office and it seems was able to overhear the full proceedings.
Officials at No. 10 are deciding how he can removed, the difficulty being he is claiming Security of Tenure under the 1976 Housing Act.
A spokesperson for No.10 said "We are unsure of his motives. Brown is being somewhat uncommunicative. There are fist marks on the cupboard walls and we are particularly concerned about his toilet arrangements."
Greece Announces National Holiday After Getting Massive Bailout from EU-UK!
Declaring it a "Zorba the Greek" moment, hundreds of thousands of Greek citizens poured out into the streets to celebrate the announcement that a last minute financial reprieve granted by the International Monetary Fund,(IMF), would enable them to continue their proliferate life style whilst others toiled.
It appears that the Greeks, not known to raise a sweat in labour, but known to perspire heavily after Ouzo bouts and frenzied folk dancing, saw their ironic prophesy come true after they announced "The Rich Must Pay" when it became known that years of cooking the government's books and massive giveaways had finally come to an end and bills were due.
According to IMF officials, Britain's share of the bailout will amount to €900M a year for the foreseeable future as Britain is on the hook for 5% of the IMF's 30Billion Euros funding for "The Greek Connection."
The low interest 'loan', was issued without collateral as there are no assets worth bothering with in Greece since Socialists sold off all assets a long time ago, it is said to be only a temporary reprieve with '10's of BILLIONS" more needed over the next three years.
Hearing the good news, thousands of Greeks poured out of their homes, denuded the remaining Fig trees of their leaves, slaughtered the remaining lambs, and kicked off a massive street party with free government bought stocks of Ouzo and a complimentary Greek Salad.
Posters of Anthony Quinn as "Zorba" appeared magically around the island, as Greeks embraced Zorba's devil may care attitude of living for the moment.
The government, in order to placate 89% of the populace, who work in the public sector, announced 12% raises, a shorter work week, extended vacations to 4 months, and a Costa Rican Health Care plan since the Greeks refused to go to America for treatment after Obama adopted European Health Care Standards.
George Soros, the left leaning financial manipulator who broke the bank in 1992, said " Brits will just have to 'get off their arse, work longer, harder and forego retirement in the near run!"
Soros is said to be in line to profit big time from the bailout, as he 'went short' years ago on Greek Bonds , and is a big supporter of the theory
that "Only when you have nothing, can you be truly happy." Of course Soros is only talking about people other than himself.
Cheryl Cole to post bail in brother's armed robbery arrest
Tyneside - (Smoking Barrel Stuff): Oops! That squeaky clean glamorous sheen of stardom is beginning to look a bit tarnished.
This morning singer Cheryl Cole's errant brother was arrested in a dawn raid on armed robbery charges.
Andrew Tweedy is among five busted following an armed attack on a post office in Longbenton, North Tyneside.
A sawn-off shotgun and a machete were involved as thousands of pounds were snatched by the masked raiders.
Tweedy is being held at a Newcastle police station where worried men in suits are poised to hand over wads of readies if and when Tweedy makes police bail.
The twentynine year-old is no stranger when it comes to the long arm of the law.
He spent his sister's wedding day to Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole behind bars and has a reported bit of previous for drink and drug-related crimes.
Sources close to the Tweedy family say Cheryl and her mum Joan are gobsmacked with shock.
Special Escort Group goes AWOL!
The New British Prime Minister, David Cameron was sensationally left unprotected after the Special Escort Group visited "Rambo's Kebabs" on Bayliss Road in Waterloo for a celebratory snack having got rid of Gordon Brown & his annoying habit of trying to tell them the quickest way to get everywhere.
As Maggie from the control room of the Secret Police station on Lambeth Road tried desperately to contact them they were shoving doner kebabs down their necks & swigging Dr.Pepper!
David & Sam Cameron were said to be fuming after being left to make their own way to Buckingham Palace & Downing Street where they became a mobile tourist attraction in the rush hour traffic. If anyone spots any white BMW motorcycles with a registration plate ending in SEG, please contact the missing persons unit at New Scotland Yard & ask for Superintendent Brian Panzer who's waiting for your call as his Knighthood is riding on it!
Global Warming: Bonuses given to some scientists
Professor Karl Carlton known to his friends as the nutty Professor, has spoken out about the myth of Global Warming. Professor Carlton speaking at a meeting in London today informed the audience that he has discovered that Media people and scientists, are being paid huge bonuses to spread the Global Warming Myth.
The Professor went on to explain how they have managed to manipulate the minds of the people, with the idea of Global warming by repeating it constantly in the news and not allowing any scientists who oppose the idea to speak on television or to newspapers.
The most severe winter for more than 100 years has only been a temporary setback to their agenda,there will be an increase in Global warming indoctrination, because most of the Worlds super powers want to increase taxation on their citizens by making them believe in spending on environmentally friendly products like green cars.
Gordon Brown Sells Isle Of Wight To France
New Labour plans to halve the national debt in the weeks running up to the General Election. An insider at No 10 today blew the whistle on Gordon Brown's plan to sell the Isle Of Wight to France for £100 billion, complete with all fixtures and fittings.
Rumours were circulating last night about further plans which include selling the Orkney Islands to Sweden and Buckingham Palace to Roman Obramovich.
But so far there is no confirmation that Argentina has been offered a leasehold deal on The Falkland Islands, nor news of a similar arrangement with Spain for the occupation of Gibraltar.
It is believed that Prime Minister Brown is holding out for as much as he can get.
Meanwhile negotiations with China for the sale of the Crown Jewels have reached an advanced stage.
Doctor Who Not A Real Doctor Shock!
The old head of Doctor Who's University has shockingly revealed that the time travelling wonder geek never finished his studies and so is not infact a qualified doctor.
Barry Trent, 96, claims "that fraudster has been getting away with it for long enough. Running around, telling everyone he's going to save the world and how he's a doctor. He never finished anything at university, he struggled to finish his lunch!"
When we caught up with the 'doctor' he merely stated, "that old trout is a madman, don't listen to a word of it! I'm more doctor than Crippin"
There seems to be weight in Mr Trents allegations however, as we can not find any photographs of the doctor in any year books held on record for the university. Nor do any of his class mates remember him being at the passing out ceremony.
The 'doctor' tried telling us that he doesn't show up on photographs, but when we explained that was vampires, he just pushed us over and ran off.
While this reporter does not condone passing oneself off as something you're not, we do agree that 'Who' would not have been a particularly catchy title for a TV show.
And Mr.Who sounds like a race horse.
Or a Chinese gangster.
TV presenter invokes the Dunkirk spirit and is stopped by officials
The intrepid TV reporter, Dan Snow, has been sunk at sea by officials. Fortunately, he had no passengers in his rubber dinghies. After setting up a website and Twittering, Mr Snow, was prevented from making any further rubber dinghy round trips between Dover and Calais.
Officials became alarmed that illegal immigrants, were also using rubber dinghies to get into the UK, disguised as genuine UK nationals.
Ferry companies on both sides of the Channel, complained that they were losing fares and questioned whether Mr Snow had the necessary passenger carrying licences. They also reported that their ferries and other huge oil tankers in the Channel were having to take drastic diversionary tactics to avoid drowning the rubber dinghies. Eurotunnel bosses are furious that a maverick should be allowed to poach their business. UK security forces expressed grave concern about the possibility of terrorists entering the UK by dinghy. Mr Snow is drying off at Dover.
Icelandic Ash Claims First UK Victim
On Wednesday, the unpronounceable volcano Eyjafjallajoekull erupted for the first time in over two centuries. The last time it erupted it caused a mini-ice age in Europe that killed tens of thousands; and this time around, it is no less devastating, grounding flights in and out of large swathes of Europe, but mainly Britain, ruining holidays and filling airports with people who believe that planes must use the roads. All of this pales into insignificance when news broke that the volcanic ash cloud claimed it's first UK victim. The ash cloud, containing microscopic particles of glass, rock and strawberry jam has started to descend to ground level across much of the UK. Along the North East coast, it devastated a family in Bishop Auckland.
"It was awful," said Carrie Bagg. "It had been so nice over the past few days, and this has come as a terrible surprise. We just weren't expecting it, and neither was my mother."
Carrie's mother, Hanna Bagg, is widely believed to be the UK's first victim of the ash cloud as Carrie explained.
"My mum had left her washing out over night, what with the unseasonal sun we were experiencing, and when she woke up this morning, it was covered in ash. She's had to wash it all again, and the glass and rock has ruining her washing machine. They didn't warn us about that, did they?" Even worse news for Hanna Bagg, the insurance company have claimed that this is an act of god, and won't pay out.
Volcano eruption is a hoax staged in Hollywood studio
The so-called volcanic eruption in Iceland that has led to air travel chaos across Europe is a hoax. We have received a leaked email from the University of East Anywhere's climate change unit that provides conclusive proof that the whole incident was staged at studios in Hollywood.
The UEA scientists were so upset at the allegations that they have made up the issue of climate change that they decided to get their revenge on the sceptics. Apparently, it all started as a joke in the UEA canteen when Nigel (the nerd) Higinbottom said, "Wouldn't it be great if we could get the European airline industry to shut down for a few months? That would upset all those dickheads who like to fly off to the Mediterranean every weekend."
Nigel told his colleagues that a mate of his who worked in Hollywood knew a bloke who worked in a studio there and who was involved in the faking of the Apollo moon landings in the 1970s. His mate had told him that the studios were so desperate for work these days, and with all the new technology, they could fake anything for the price of a few pints of beer and a packet of pork scratchings. Nigel also had a mate who worked for National Air Traffic Control System (NATS). The chap at NATS had told him that they were so paranoid about safety that they would stop flights on the slightest pretence if they thought that there could be an accident and they would be sued. So, a fake story about volcanic ash would be enough to stop all flights.
Nigel Farrage (no relation), leader of UKIP, said, "I am not convinced that it was just a few eggheads in East Anglia who organised this. I suspect that it was that bloke from Luxembourg who claims that he is President of the European Union who is behind all this. It is the sort of thing that these foreigners tend to do because they don't like us."
COCAINE 'BETTER VALUE THAN EVER'
AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.
Experts say that with dealers and producers working together to drive down prices, a line of gak is now cheaper than a Starbucks Coffee, and several million times more likely to help you meet cool people.
Tom Logan, street drug analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Of course the cheaper, low-end, cocaine is more likely to be cut with brick dust or feline erection pills but, like Tesco Basics products, the quality's often better than you'd expect.
"On a moral note, there is still concern about the welfare of drug mules and coca farm labourers, but it's only fleeting concern of the type commonly felt for people living in hot places you'll never visit. Certainly it's not worrying enough to spoil a good night out on the nosebag."
Cocaine dealer Stephen Malley said: "At the end of the day people like coke because it's less fattening than lager and incredibly addictive.
"Plus, unlike the people who sell fruit smoothies, most cocaine dealers have the integrity to treat their customers with little more than thinly-veiled contempt, rather than pretending they're their bestest mates in the world ever and want to cuddle them, just because they've exchanged some money for a thing."
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, recently switched from sloe gin to cocaine as her drug of choice.
She said: "I'd always thought of cocaine as only really affordable for special occasions. But its surprising cheapness has allowed me to buy in bulk, dealing directly with a cartel to ensure the best value.
"It is addictive and probably quite bad for you if you have too much. But the same applies to Battenburg cake, and no one seems to freak out about that, do they?"
She added: "Although it is rare that an overindulgence of Battenburg will make me all paranoid and fidgety while jibbering like a muppet."
PHILOSOPHIC QUESTIONS
Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?
ANGRY TAXPAYERS DEMAND TUTORIAL FROM LORD ASHCROFT
VOTERS across Britain have expressed outrage at Lord Ashcroft's ability to avoid more tax than them.
The billionaire Tory donor has used his non-domiciled status to lower his tax bill by an estimated £127 million leading to demands he conduct a mass tutorial at Wembley Stadium using short, simple words and an easy-to-follow Powerpoint presentation.
Julian Cook, an economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Lord Ashcroft is one of around 60 million people in Britain who want to pay less tax.
"He does this by hiring an accountant who reduces his tax bill by as much as is legally possible, sends him an invoice and then everyone goes about their day. As you can see it's all incredibly evil."
Based on current UK tax law, Ashcroft has structured his financial arrangements so that his thighs, knees, eyebrows and chin spend at least half the year on a 4000 acre satsuma plantation in Belize while his arms, his torso and the remainder of his face live in a luxurious three bedroom duplex overlooking Hyde Park.
According to his accountants the constituent parts of his body are joined up twice a year in Monaco where they are able to eat a roast chicken, enjoy a glass of Chablis and go to the toilet.
Labour has seized on the revelations, insisting Lord Ashcroft's ability to make vast amounts of money and hang on to as much of it as he possibly can shows the Tories cannot be trusted with the nation's finances.
A spokesman said: "By failing to persuade the Telegraph and the Mail to go on and on and on about all the non-domiciled Labour donors who have done exactly the same thing, David Cameron has shown an appalling lack of judgement."
Meanwhile Nathan Muir, a Guardian reading Labour voter from Highate, insisted: "If I was a multi-millionaire I would pay all my tax at the full rate because I want to help build a fair and equal society where every child has a chance to be all they can be." Julian Cook added: "As an economist the only problem I have with that statement is that it's a massive lie."
TALIBAN TO BE WOOED WITH PROPERTY MAKEOVERS
NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.
In the second phase of Operation Moshtarak British home makeover experts will help insurgents to unlock the potential of their hideouts, giving them a top-quality living environment with enhanced marketability.
Brigadier Julian Cook said: "The key to winning hearts and minds in Helmand lies in showing people a better life is possible via the strategic deployment of downlighters.
"The low standard of interiors in much of the country has created an environment where the people feel they have no option but to use improvised explosives because they haven't got a pleasant lounge in which they can just chill with a decent red and a Groove Armada CD."
Following the push into Taliban strongholds, experts including Linda Barker and Kirstie Allsop will move in with fabric swatches, shabby chic sideboards and, crucially, a selection of great ideas.
A NATO spokesman said: "Amazingly, there is no word in Pashtun for 'buy-to-let', which is probably why they stick to making their money from smack.
"But once the ordinary Taliban fighter has seen Linda transform a dowdy hideout into a 'mocca chocca' lifestyle complex with characterful reclaimed timber shelves and deep natural hues, he will soon be clamouring to maximise the liveability of his property, be it a cave, a trench or a semi-exposed rocky outcrop with a lovely view that's close to a really good abandoned school."
UK BUSINESSMAN WANTED OVER DEATH OF BILLIONAIRE MEGALOMANIAC
A BRITISH businessman has been named as the prime suspect in the death of a billionaire intent on taking over the world.
Hugo Drax, owner of Drax Industries, was killed last Friday when he was ejected from the airlock of his personal space station 120 miles above Holland.
Detectives in Rotterdam, where the charred remains of Mr Drax's torso fell to Earth, say they want to speak to UK sales manager James St John Smythe, though they stressed this may be an alias.
Police captain Johan DeVelt said: "He is about six feet tall, he has light brown hair and speaks in a refined English accent. He actually looks a bit like Roger Moore.
"We believe he uses false passports and fake identities including 'Mr Fisher', 'James Stock' and 'Dr Mikhail Arkov'. And he also has a Lotus Esprit that can go under water."
Captain DeVelt said St John Smythe is often seen in the company of beautiful woman with sexually suggestive names including Holly Goodhead, Pussy Galore and the Taiwanese acrobat U Fook Mi.
The suspect is believed to be the same man who was briefly wanted in connection with the death of a young woman in a Miami hotel who had been covered from head to toe in gold paint. A chubby, red-faced Latvian billionaire and his Japanese henchman were eventually convicted of the crime.
Captain DeVelt added: "We are pretty sure it's the same man, though back then he was a bit taller, had much darker hair and spoke with a Scottish accent. A bit like Sean Connery."
Last night friends of Mr Drax paid tribute insisting he was a kind and decent man whose only flaw was trying to kill everyone on the planet with giant bombs full of deadly bacteria.
KILL THE POOR, SAYS CAMERON
THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.
Party leader David Cameron said too many hard-working, middle-class families were being criminalised just because they want to slaughter everyone who is not exactly the same as them.
Mr Cameron said that if the Tories win the next election they will close a loophole in the current legislation which makes it illegal to murder someone who is either brown, earns less than £35,000 a year or supports secondary picketing.
He added: "The £35,000 rule was imposed on this country by the European Convention on Human Rights. We will introduce a bill reinstating the ancient right, enshrined in Magna Carta, to dispose of the disproportionately ghastly."
A party spokesman explained how the legislation would work: "If you come across a poor person you don't like very much - perhaps they smell of cheap meat, or mispronounce 'Val d'Isère' - then you'll be able to thrust an axe into the middle of their chest or whack them on the back of the head with a nice, heavy Le Creuset griddle pan.
"Then all you need to do is bundle them into the boot of your car, drag them into your house, slip some old tights on their head and leave them sprawled across the rug as if you happened upon them in the middle of the night while they were rifling through your grandmother's cutlery decanter."
He added: "A nice touch may be to force a valuable necklace or a solid silver candlestick into one of their stiff, chubby, unwashed little hands."
The party has also promised to make the new law retrospective so that Douglas Hogg can finally get round to dredging his moat.
ENORMOUS AMERICANS EAT JAMIE OLIVER
OBESE Americans last night rejected Jamie Oliver's latest healthy food campaign by deep frying him in hog fat and eating his head.
The chef was lecturing parents in Huntingdon, West Virginia, about the benefits of giving their children healthier food, ideally from Sainsbury's, when the group were overwhelmed by a sudden lust for flesh.
Welder Tom Logan said: "It was that big ol' tongue what done got ma juices flowin'. You could see that it was all good eatin' meat - no gristle.
"Fore I knew it I was dribblin' like a hound in a chitlin factory. Then I caught Randall Hobbs's eye an I knew he was thinkin' the same." Mr Hobbs added: "Yessireebob, I done ate his feet!"
As Jamie launched into a demonstration of how to prepare asparagus fettucine, locals surged onto the stage and started biting the fleshy parts of his face and body.
Amid the commotion local sheriff Stephen Malley fired his pistol into the air, ordering the attackers to cease until a suitable grill could be found.
He said: "It was nearly a damn waste, to eat an animal as good an' plump as that without proper cookin', seasonin' and a nice helping o' Grandma Logan's potater salad. We takes pride in our food 'round these parts."
A Channel 4 spokesman said: "Jamie and his production team went out to film a cookery show but like so many documentaries filmed in West Virginia, it quickly descended into a load of fat people eating a fat-tongued stranger."
The Town that Ate Jamie Oliver is on More4 this Friday at 8pm.
BROWN TO APPEAR IN HILARIOUS RECESSION VIDEO
GORDON Brown has begun his political fightback by appearing in a hilarious video about Britain's economic collapse.
Produced by the Number 10 comedy video unit, the film features the prime minister in a series of madcap, recession-based skits.
The film opens with Mr Brown knocking on the door of mortgage defaulters Tim and Sue Hayes and telling them they have '48 hours to get the hell out'.
But he soon breaks into a giggle and puts his arm around Mr Hayes saying: "No, I'm just kidding - you've got 36 hours!"
His smile disappears suddenly as he adds: "Seriously, start packing."
The prime minister is also seen wandering around a branch of Waitrose near Chequers, his country mansion, filling his trolley with fancy French cakes and three cases of Veuve Cliquot champagne.
He then tells the scowling check-out girl, "cheer-up, I'm putting it on expenses", adding, "you don't mind paying for all this, do you?" before throwing his head back and cackling loudly.
He is later seen filling up the prime ministerial Jaguar, and as the cost rises above £100, he looks into the camera with his comedy 'shocked' face and says: "Flippin' 'eck guv'nor, the old petrol's a bit pricey aint it?"
The film ends with the prime minister sitting by the fire at Chequers, sipping champagne and giggling to himself, as he sniffs at the cakes and then throws them in the bin.
FAT PEOPLE SQUASHING NHS EQUIPMENT
THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns.
Almost 400 doctors and more than 1,000 nurses have died already this year after becoming trapped under giant people demanding treatment for fat related ailments such as heavy sweating.
One entire hospital disappeared into a giant hole earlier this week after an obese family of four were admitted at the same time complaining that their fridge was empty when the building was already overburdened with giant patients.
Sir Derek Wanless, the author of the report, said there was not a single functioning chair left in a hospital or doctor's waiting room because all had buckled under the weight of enormous patients.
He said: “Our only hope now is that these huge bastards become so fat that they cannot get in through the doors of our hospitals and surgeries and so will die in the street like dogs. Otherwise we are buggered.”
Sir Derek said the best possible outcome for the NHS was that most people became so fat they imploded under their own weight leaving a jellied mess on the floor which could easily be swept into the gutters.
Until then he suggested a number of emergency proposals to cope with the current crisis including:
All fat people to stand all the time when on NHS property to prevent them destroying any new chairs or beds.
All fat people attending hospital to stay in the basement and stand in balanced groups to prevent any sudden movement by one of them from tipping a building onto its side.
Every hospital in Britain to be covered in bubble wrap to prevent further accidental damage from collisions with enormous people.
Fat people to be banned from using ambulances to prevent axle damage.
Sir Derek said: “We are going to make the bastards walk to get their treatments, they will lose some weight on the way or expire on the journey. Either way it’s a win-win situation for the NHS.”
BRITAIN DECIDING WHICH SOUVENIR TO HURL AT BROWN
BRITAIN was last night pondering which model of a famous building it would throw at Gordon Brown's head.
Families across the country became embroiled in heated arguments over the best historical souvenir for knocking the prime minster's teeth out, as experts stressed that if you wanted to leave Mr Brown with stitches you should really use a tiny cathedral.
Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: "We were in Stratford back in June and I picked up this lovely, detailed model of Anne Hathaway's cottage. It's got three little chimney stacks and it's good and heavy."
But his wife Jill insisted: "Anne Hathaway's cottage is bullshit. You want something with lots of spikes and knobbly bits. What about York Minster sellotaped to a brick?"
Tom Logan, a mental patient from Hatfield, said: "I once threw a Royal Albert Hall paperweight at Jamie Oliver. It left a beautifully symmetrical dent in the middle of his forehead and temporarily cured his lisp.
"But if I was hurling something at the prime minister I'd probably go for an Edinburgh Castle or a Forth Rail Bridge on the basis that he would find them reassuringly familiar and would then forget to duck."
Mr Brown's Special Branch protection officers are now expected to receive additional training in how to throw themselves in front of miniature versions of some of Britain's most treasured architecture travelling at up to 40 miles per hour.
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Surrey, added: "I'd really like to throw the Royal Yacht Britannia at Harriet Harman, though I suspect I'd need an absolutely enormous crane."
LONDON SACRIFICES VIRGINS AFTER CENTIMETRE OF SNOW
SOCIAL order crumbled and mass executions of sacrificial virgins were ordered as over a centimetre of snow fell in some parts of London today.
As temperatures plummeted mayor Boris Johnson abandoned snowbound boroughs and told them to fend for themselves and eat each other if necessary.
Johnson said: "We can't save the people of Putney now, we can only pray that the gods spare them. All we can do is hope the blood of 100 virgins appeases the snow sprites and makes the roads usable once more."
Many famous London landmarks, including the National Gallery and Madam Tussaud's are currently ablaze as locals try to ward off the white terror.
London cabbie Charlie Reeves said: "It's a bleedin' shame all them Rembrandts had to go up but that weird white stuff has gorn away now, so maybe Jack Sleet hates Dutch Golden Age art? I blame the Polish comin' over here and bringing it wiv them, meself.
He added: "Mind you, Tussaud's has gone up a treat. It’s like a giant candle made out of corpses. Luverly."
This evening will see the sacrificial virgins pushed off the top of Nelson's Column into a blazing pit of Monets followed by a carol service by the Westminster choir. The ceremony has not been conducted since 1751, when half of London died as several ponds froze over for three days.
Boris Johnson added: "We can only assume we have angered Old Flaky in some way, possibly with our plans to extend the Congestion Zone. I've commissioned a think tank to look into alternative methods of snow god appeasement, such as public stoning of Ken Livingstone or making the Queen dance erotically on the roof of Buckingham Palace."
Martin Bishop, a Carlisle-born builder working in London, said: "They're like this all the time, you know. You should have seen my neighbours when some of their roof tiles blew off last winter. You couldn't move for slaughtered chickens in our cul de sac."
DRINKERS KEEP FAITH WITH BULLSHIT HANGOVER CURES
MOST people still cling to the belief that you can drink four bottles of cheap red wine and feel fine the next day if you have a special magic breakfast, according to a new survey.
Despite every conceivable shred of evidence to the contrary, 62% of respondents said they persist with eating a bowl of tomato soup that has been breathed on by a badger, forcing camomile tea up their nose with a stirrup pump or rubbing a elderly chimp's belly in an anti-clockwise direction.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "If you throw a litre or two of recreational poison down your neck before staggering home via a spaniel-in-pitta-bread vendor and falling asleep in the airing cupboard with your trousers on, you are going to feel unwell the next day.
"That's how it is and a pint of egg white is not going to save you, nor is the pile of unmitigated bull's faeces your cousin's wife's friend read in the Sunday Times style section."
But Stephen Malley, author of 100,000 Miracle Hangover Cures That Cannot Fail, said: "The efficacy of my methods is not based on any genuine medicinal evidence but rather on their being sufficiently unpleasant to divert one's attention from the fact that your cranium feels like its been scraped out with a broken bottle dipped in battery acid.
"'My personal favourite after a heavy night on the pop is to stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork. The hangover soon finds itself hopelessly overshadowed by the onset of major haemorrhaging."
Drinker Donna Sheridan said: "After my usual quart of Kahlua followed by four litres of Lambrini consumed through a dirty traffic cone and a chaser of unprotected sex, I like to bathe in seaweed with a piece of liver under each armpit.
"I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but it's a bit like my attitude to witches. I don't really believe in them but I'm still a bit scared of them. Does that make sense?"
CHILD ANVIL INJURIES AT RECORD HIGH
VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.
The study also recommends the Acme corporation withdraws a number of products from sale immediately, including its big round black bombs with BOMB written on them and long rope fuses that go out a lot.
Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Our research shows a worrying increase in children trying to ambush each other with elaborate traps involving boulders, detonators and seige catapults.
"These invariably backfire, leaving the children with concertina-ed bodies, singed fur or squashed flat as a pancake for a few seconds before they scuttle off on their now-stunted legs, which make a strange tinkly sound."
Additionally, parents' groups have recommended that cartoon violence be more realistic to deter children from emulating talking animals.
A spokesperson for Parents Against Bad Things said: "When Wile E Coyote's 'Instant Leg Muscle Vitamins' give him enormous lower limb trength and he powers straight off a high ledge into a ravine, he returns unscathed in the following scene.
"Surely we should see his broken, bloodied body at the bottom of the cliff, twitching slightly as the life ebbs out of it? It's vital that children learn about the perils of gravity and the consequences of Instant Leg Muscle vitamin abuse."
A spokesperson for the Federation of Haunted Castle Caretakers said it supported the campaign for greater realism in cartoons: "Our members should be able to go about their work without being labelled 'skull-faced phantoms' by groups of pesky kids and their anthropomorphic canine companions."
He added: "Not that it's interfering with our dastardly plans or anything."
OAPS DECIDE NOT TO GIVE PENSIONER-PC A CHANCE
PENSIONERS have declared that they don't like a new PC designed for them, despite it not being released yet.
Easy-PC is a new computer offering simplified functions designed to make it easier for senior citizens to complain about Pakistanis.
But despite the manufacturers bending over backwards, pensioners have decided collectively that they don't like it, never will like it, and if anyone tries to give them one for Christmas they will throw it straight in the bin with all the other rubbish, which is exactly where it belongs.
Dennis Fynch-Hatton, 83, said: "I hate it. The people who make this tripe, whatever it is, should be taken out in the street and shot, and their bodies left to be picked clean by rooks.
"I've never owned a computer, but if I had, then the one I had before would definitely have been better than this one, and whatever the old one had been like, that'd be what I'd want."
He added: "If anyone comes near me with one of these computers I shall disengage my colostomy bag and squirt its contents all over them with a loud 'tally-ho'. Computers? What did you say? Leave me alone."
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "During the war, I had ever such a lovely PC. It was made of good strong Hampshire Bakelite - by white people - and it had pedals.
"You don't get better than that, and if any strange man or relative tries to give me one of these Easy-PCs I shall shout 'rape' and do everything I can to ruin their lives.'
A spokesperson for Easy-PC said: "We're starting to wish we hadn't bothered."
BROWN VOWS TO END Wii POSTCODE LOTTERY
GORDON Brown has taken personal charge of the escalating Nintendo Wii crisis which could force millions of British children to play outdoors with real friends this Christmas.
Mr Brown last night dramatically quit his own game of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess to chair a meeting of the Cobra emergency committee, even though he was already in the mine under Death Mountain and well on his way to Fire Temple.
It is the first time a British prime minister has intervened in a toy crisis since 1985, when Margaret Thatcher fought a year-long battle with Arthur Scargill to ensure no child went without a Transformer on Christmas Day.
Mr Brown pledged his government would use all of its special powers to defeat the evil forces ranged against it so that even poor children could point an electric stick at the television.
He said: “As a young boy growing up in Scotland I saw the social divide that is caused by gift inequalities.
“I saw rich children on spacehoppers bounce repeatedly on poor children. I saw one boy bounced on so bad his Clackers split in two.”
But anti-Wii campaigners are urging parents to throw their children into the street.
Denys Hatton, of Wii Concern, said: “You could shell out the best part of £200 so your children can play virtual tennis while pointing a stick at the telly. Or you could just buy them A TENNIS RACQUET.”
JOHNSON AND WINDSOR IN WIG SHARING DEAL
LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.
Under the deal the pair will share wigs in the event of fire, flooding or theft in a bid to ensure that at least one of London's two most unbearable icons is always available for public viewing.
The move follows Johnson's incredibly tedious appearance on the popular soap opera, during which he ordered a pint of bitter without trying to have sex with anyone.
A spokesman for the mayor said: "Boris really wanted to do a story line where he had sex in a cupboard with one of the young, blond actresses, preferably the one with the plastic nose.
"But we eventually agreed a compromise where he did a scene with Barbara Windsor while imagining he was having sex in a cupboard with the Barbara Windsor from Carry On Doctor."
Meanwhile the BBC has rejected accusations of political bias from former mayor Ken Livingstone, reminding the Labour politician that the election was two years ago and he was soundly beaten by his worst nightmare.
Livingstone said: "When I was mayor I wanted them to do a story about how the US government should drop its economic sanctions against Cuba in exchange for Castro repealing laws which discriminate against homosexuals.
"But they said it would not have rung true as Ricky and Bianca both felt Castro had betrayed the founding principles of the people's revolution and would therefore have dismissed the idea out of hand."
A corporation spokesman insisted: "Allowing Ken Livingstone to appear on Eastenders would have breached the BBC's guidelines on allowing Ken Livingstone to appear in Eastenders.
HALF A MILLION BENEFIT CHEATS THROW THEMSELVES DOWN THE STAIRS
A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.
Across Britain council houses and tower blocks echoed to the tell-tale thump of work-shy layabouts hurling themselves towards a guaranteed £25 a week.
Under the Tory plan all those who are deemed fit for work will have their benefits cut and be forced to look for jobs that currently exist only in the mind of Norman Tebbit.
Private training firms will assess all 2.6 million people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do, which experts say will most likely be assessing people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do.
Tom Logan, of the London School of Economics said: "By 2014 we should be in a situation where half the country will be assessing the employment capabilities of the other half until they get bored and throw themselves down some stairs.
"They will then join the queue for assessment and will eventually be employed assessing people who have recently thrown themselves down some stairs. And so on."
Tory leader David Cameron denied the move was a return to the harsh Thatcherite policies of the 1980s, adding: "I will personally ram a knitting needle into the thighs of all those who claim they are unfit for honest labour.
"Any scoundrel that lets out a shriek will have the gin bottle snatched from his grasp before being manhandled into the back of a cart and dumped outside the gates of his local cotton mill, bobbin factory or call centre.
"The wretch will then be forced into an upright position where he will learn the virtues of toil and the base immorality of screen breaks.
"If they apply themselves and refrain from griping, then perhaps they will rise to the rank of tradesman and one day may even be in a position to ask me how much money I have."
CHILDREN SHOULD BE RAISED IN THE 1950s, SAY EXPERTS
BRITISH children will be much healthier as soon as they start being raised in the 1950s, according to a new study.
The Institute for Child Health said modern child rearing had failed and called for all British children under the age of 16 to be sent back to 1953 where they could spend their days eating ripe Dorset peaches and running alongside steam trains.
The study found children are healthier if they are brought up by a mother who wears a starched white pinafore, knows how to bake a pie and organises tasty food parcels for our brave boys in Aden.
A spokesman said: "The early 1950s is now the optimum environment for successful child rearing thanks to an abundance of skipping ropes and fresh cabbage and the welcome absence of a certain Mr Cliff Richard.
"And of course, children can enjoy a healthy diet and a rigorous exercise programme secure in the knowledge that their mother will not be going out to work everyday like a common prostitute."
He added: "If we hurry we can send them back just in time for the Coronation."
Mrs Margaret Gerving, a mother of two speaking from 1953, backed the study, adding: "While I do not agree with the having of opinions I must admit to being puzzled as to how these women find the time to be typists and telephonists and what have you.
"After a full day of baking, roasting and boiling I have barely enough energy left to be taken roughly from behind by my darling Trevor.
"Now, enough of politics, who would like a nice piece of my raspberry tinkle?"
SCOTS DEMAND HUGE INCREASE IN GLOBAL WARMING
A MAJORITY of Scots are backing a total reliance on fossil fuels in a bid to deliver up to three months of t-shirt weather every year.
According to research by Dundee University, most Scots believe they have been let down by the first phase of global warming and want environmental groups like Greenpeace to, "shut their holes".
More than 70% would like to see wind farms demolished and replaced by gigantic machines that do nothing but emit carbon dioxide and methane, while 65% are calling for a moratorium on trees.
The survey also found a large majority want the Scottish Executive to stop investing in wave power and instead use the money to buy everyone a Range Rover.
Climatologist Bill McKay said: "It seems most Scots would happily accept rising sea levels, crop failures and forest fires if it meant a summer that lasted for more than 12 hours."
He added: "There are a number of things you can do such as washing your clothes three or four times a day or using 'mute' instead of the 'off' button on your TV.
"You may also want to picket railway stations or throw manure at people who use the bus."
FAT GIRLS HAVING BEST DAY EVER
FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.
Across Britain big women cracked opened fresh tubs of ice cream as new research found that people with giant thighs are somehow healthier than people without giant thighs.
Emma Bradford, 18-stone of girlmeat from Doncaster, said: "You may have skinny little legs Nikki Hollis, but in 20 years time you'll be dead and I'll be the one bouncing up and down on your boyfriend until he bursts.
"I'll be thinking of you as my giant thighs almost smother his grinning face. Then I'll put on my massive pants and make him a big, sexy breakfast of sausages and pies."
Emma warned that acquiring a healthy set of thighs takes a lot of hard work and would not happen overnight, but advised would-be thigh perfectionists to start with a box-set of One Tree Hill and an enormous amount of Pringles.
The thigh boost comes just 24 hours after a magazine published a naked photograph of an attractive woman with at least two chins and a belly.
Dr Margaret Gerving, director of the Simply Be Foundation, said: "We have been saying for years that big girls offer much better value for money.
"They live longer, they have stronger personalities, they clean their plate and they can they can take several days to explore."
She added: "Now then, who's up for a chocolate sandwich?"
SCHOOL SUBJECTS TO BE DICKED ABOUT WITH!
BRITAIN'S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn't dicked about with it for at least a year.From next year the school day will be split into broad themes including noises, shapes, colours, feelings and relentless political indoctrination.
Educational experts say it is too early to tell whether the system will improve standards of literacy and numeracy, but insist it has given them something to do for a few weeks.
The six new subject areas are:
Noises: Moo. Baa. Grrr. Vroom. Plop. These are all noises. Make three of them before lunch.
Shapes: What shape is a lesbian? Are circles French? What rights does a triangle have? Will also cover the shapes of numbers, although the sound of numbers will be covered in Noises.
Colours: The children will be encouraged to mix blue with yellow and green with orange as a way of understanding contraception and exotic sexual positions.
Feelings and Flavours: Does seven taste of cheese? How do you feel about two plus two? Does spelling make you sad and angry? Let's not do it then.
The Labour Party: Will cover the ideology, evolution and structure of Britain's Natural Party of Government and why the Conservatives want to touch you in the bad place.
Nintendo: Everything else is probably covered by some sort of Nintendo game, so from 10.30am until 3pm each day the children will be given a Wii and left to get on with it while the teachers stand at the back door smoking cigarettes and booking holidays.
The Conservatives last night attacked the proposals and set out their own curriculum, including money, standing up straight, poof-spotting, advanced money and remembering the names of staff.
CHILDREN DON'T LIKE SCHOOL, SAYS REPORT!
CHILDREN don’t like going to school and would prefer not to have to do any work at all, according to a major new study of education in Britain.
Around 60% said they would prefer to play computer games with their friends instead of listening to a man with poor personal hygiene reciting the names of the Kings of England.
The other 40% said they would be happy if they never saw another sum and instead got to sit on the sofa all day watching repeats of Balamory with a a bottle of Tizer and a tube of Pringles “as tall as a house”.
Professor Robin McKay, the report’s author, said: “Children do not like travelling to school, they do not like the work they do at school, they do not like being given homework and they do not like sitting tests. They think all these things should stop right now.
“They are also deeply concerned about global warming, terrorism, the gulf between rich and poor and whether that big fat ginger bastard is going to steal all their crisps at lunchtime again. They think we should stop all those things right now too.”
Eight year-old Paul Bates, said: “I want to live in a castle and have a big sword with magical powers and a dragon I could fly around on and I’d like my friends Rob and Alan to come and live with me although obviously I would be the king and everything and they would just be my slaves. And we would not allow no girls.”
But educationalist Professor Henry Brubaker disputed the report’s findings and cited his research which proved that children should just sit down and shut up for 18 years.
He said: “Tell them to sit down and shut up.”
GLOBAL WARMING TO BRING CANNIBALISM TO SOUTH EAST
CLIMATE change will transform the south east of England into a steaming jungle filled with giant snakes and marauding tribes of blood-thirsty cannibals, scientists have predicted.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies have warned that unless carbon emissions are reduced Essex and Kent will resemble the darkest reaches of Amazonia, probably in about 18 months time.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "First will come the mosquitos. They will be huge, about the size of a crow. Then the giant snakes will arrive to feast on the mosquitos.
"Within months towns including Colchester, Ashford, Gravesend, and possibly even Braintree, will be little more than mangrove swamps. However, local rail services should be unaffected."
He added: "Before long the populations will be reduced to primal savagery. Unable to grow crops on the dark jungle floor they will raid each others settlements with the victors feasting upon the flesh of the vanquished.
"The strongest tribes, driven on by their insatiable lust for human flash, will soon descend upon the slow, fat people of Hampshire."
Meanwhile doctors are warning that fewer old people will die as a result of rising temperatures.
Dr Wayne Hayes, of the British Medical Association, said: "Warmer winters will mean more OAPs I'm afraid."
He added: "If you feel that your local community is being overrun, then it might be an idea to nudge one of them under a bus."
SWINE FLU CATCHES CHERIE BLAIR
SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.
Experts who had predicted the virus was unlikely to mutate, now say that it definitely will and it is going to be disgusting.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The Cherie virus will attach itself to the swine flu and suck at it like a big, patronising leech that thinks it's better than you.
"Viewed through a microscope the early form of the the mutant CherSwine virus looks like a spiky ball of pus with the mouth of Ronald McDonald.
"And after just ten minutes on the Petri dish it leapt into my wallet and started pocketing all the fivers."
Research scientists are now working frantically to develop a vaccine using a handful of questionable property deals, a dash of extreme Catholicism and an awful lot of Dettol.
According to Prof Brubaker a virus with the contagiousness of swine flu and the eye-gouging awfulness of Cherie Blair will be 'a bit like the Black Death, if it was obsessed with money and status'.
He added: "Have you seen 28 Days Later? I thought it was rather disappointing actually."
The public have been urged to reduce the risk of infection by avoiding new-age bullshit gurus, £1000 charity lunches and Bargain Books.
NEWS OF THE WORLD READERS COULD NOT CARE LESS !!!
NEWS of the World readers have no interest in how the paper gets its celebrity sex stories, as long as it gets them, it was confirmed last night.
As the tabloid faced legal action from celebrities whose phones were tapped and Tory leader David Cameron stood by his beleaguered spin doctor, the paper's readership said its priority would continue to be all the stories about sex.
Tom Logan, a reader from Grantham, said: "I think I would have been disappointed, perhaps even a little bit hurt, if they had not been tapping Gwyneth Paltrow's phone on my behalf.
"To be honest I've never really given much thought to how they get the stories, but I suppose on a sub-conscious level I've always just assumed it involved money and/or breaking the law.
"At least now I know the stories were all true, as if that's ever made the slightest difference. Anyway, I wonder whose been doing all the sex this week?"
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from York, said: "I had no idea who Andy Coulson was and I've been reading the paper for 35 years. But now I do know I would just like to say thank you very much for all the sex stories."
She added: "In a way I do feel rather sorry for those poor journalists. Poring over transcripts of Gwyneth Paltrow going on and on about AIDS and tofu and Chris Martin crying when he orgasms would have done my frigging nut in."
Publisher Rupert Murdoch said: "I was shocked to discover that I even owned a tabloid newspaper let alone one that uses highly questionable and innovative methods to deliver page after full colour page of stories about celebrity intercourse and all for just £1."
He added: "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA! Ah ha! Ah ha... Ha... "AH HA HA A HA HA HA!"
SWINE FLU SLOWLY CATCHING UP WITH DIARRHOEA AND HICCUPS
THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.
As the department of health turned the panic knob back up to seven, GPs said there was a danger that runny tummies and spasmodic diaphragms could eventually be outnumbered if the RAF carpet-bombed all of Britain's major towns and cities with water balloons filled with swine flu round-the-clock, for a fortnight.
A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "There are currently about three million cases of hiccups, some of them very nasty indeed.
"Meanwhile there are about four million cases of diarrhoea, all of them very nasty indeed.
"There is even a handful of people who have diarrhoea and hiccups, and that's one of the worst combinations you can get. Probably even worse than toothache and plague.
"But where is their leaflet? Where is their TV advert? Where is their desperate, pathetic front page of the Daily Mail?"
The BMA is proposing three large digital counters at Piccadilly Circus in the centre of London to display a running total of Britain's swine flu, diarrhoea and hiccup victims.
The spokesman added: "If at any point the swine flu total overtakes one of the other two you will either shit yourself or be so frightened it will cure your hiccups.
"As for all the swine flu, there's a good chance that I have contracted it and then recovered from it at some point between the beginning and the end of this sentence."
NEW EMERGENCY NUMBER FOR HALFWITS
THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.
The 111 number, chosen to match the numeracy level of its most likely users, will be manned by professional operatives who will use small words to explain why no-one is going to come to your house because your knee is making that weird clicky noise again.
Martin Bishop, an ambulance dispatcher from Knutsford, said: "It's very simple. If you're well enough to list your symptoms, you don't need an ambulance.
"Call back when you're unconscious, or can see a bright light at the end of a long tunnel."
Officials stress the 111 service is not designed to replace NHS Direct and its key function of keeping you on hold for an hour before telling you to go to your GP.
However the new service will offer a range of ringtones, hangover cures and will even advise on the nearest cock and fanny clinic to your postcode.
If successful, GP provision could be similarly overhauled, with surgeries replaced by a vending machine dispensing tamiflu, anti-depressants and contraceptive pills and a mechanical arm that pats patients on the head while saying 'there, there, that must be awful' in a soothingly robotic voice.
Holly Turnbull, 23, from Carlisle said: "I really hurt my finger yesterday. I would have called an ambulance but I couldn't dial because, like I say, I really hurt my finger."
MPs BEGIN DESPERATE HUNT FOR LOOPHOLES
A NEW system of MPs' allowances was outlined by Gordon Brown last night as shamed members of parliament immediately began scouring it for scams and loopholes.
After 10 days of shocking revelations which have left them chastened but still unbelievably greedy and corrupt, MPs from across the House of Commons brought in specialists to examine the fine print of the new system on a 'no-win, no-fee' basis.
Scam consultant, Julian Cook, said: "Cleaning will now be reclassified as 'secretarial services', so they just have to ask their cleaner to lick a few stamps while she's hoovering the moat.
"They can still claim for computer equipment which means that television sets are now 46-inch, high-definition LCD 'monitors' that just happen to have a built-in Freeview tuner.
"They can't claim for furniture but they can claim for food, so what they'll need to do is place a Kraft cheese single on a vibrating chair and put it through as an open sandwich."
He added: "And of course, with an upper limit of £1,250 a month in mortgage interest payments, they will still be able to buy a house worth at least £300,000 using your money. Ha ha ha - what a bunch of absolute gits."
But officials say the new system will end the controversial practice of 'screwing', where an MP buys a house and then uses it to 'screw' the taxpayer into the middle of next week.
The prime minister was forced to act on a momentous day that saw Britain plunged into a constitutional crisis following the resignation of the old man who shouts at everyone in that big wooden room you see on the news a couple of times a week.
Unveiling the reforms, Mr Brown insisted the House of Commons could no longer operate as a '19th century gentlemen's club' filled with ghastly people like Harriet Harman and Hazel Blears.
SACKING JONATHAN ROSS EVEN CHEAPER THAN 40% PAY CUT, SAY LICENCE PAYERS
YOU know what's even cheaper than giving Jonathan Ross a 40% paycut? Sacking the git, licence payers said last night.
As BBC bosses said they would be forced to slash the salaries of some of the corporation's highest paid stars, viewers across the country wanted to know exactly what they were waiting for.
Margaret Gerving, from Doncaster, said: "You mean to say the BBC is short of cash after allowing a long list of talentless hacks to decide their own multi-million pound salaries? I find that very difficult to believe.
"Like everyone else, I just assumed they had finally run out of money after filming hour after hour after hour after hour - after hour - of people you would not normally associate with dancing."
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I know there are some people who think Jonathan Ross, Jeremy Clarkson and Graham Norton add meaning and colour to their lives, but the thing you have to remember about those people is, they're stupid and wrong.
"At first it may seem a bit odd that Jonathan Ross is not on the telly anymore, but after a couple of days no-one - and I do mean absolutely no-one - will care."
He added: "I suppose Jonathan Ross could go back to being a researcher for a production company which is what he should have been doing all along if television wasn't run by total idiots."
Bill McKay, from Peterborough, volunteered his services to the BBC stressing he had thought about it constantly for over a month and had come to the unavoidable conclusion that he could not possibly be less talented than Jonathan Ross.
"So it's basically two hours a week asking dead-eyed celebrities about their crap films and reading out some funny-but-true stories on Radio Two? I'll do it for a fifty grand.
"That should still leave me plenty of time to do voice-overs and enjoy a very comfortable standard of living."
He added: "And I promise to try my absolute level best not to use my two hours a week to phone-up a nice old man and take the mickey out of him"
MP BECOMES FIRST EVER PERSON TO FORGET HE HAD PAID OFF HIS MORTGAGE
LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.
The former minister admitted he had completely forgotten to stop claiming taxpayers' money for the mortgage he had paid off before forgetting which of his two houses he actually lived in most of the time.
Mortgage slaves across Britain were stunned at the sheer scale of Mr Morley's forgetfulness.
Martin Bishop, from Darlington, said: "Complete strangers will remember where they were and what they were doing when I pay off my mortgage. I fully intend for it to be this generation's Kennedy assassination."
Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: "I'm going to get Earth Wind and Fire to play Boogie Wonderland so loud it explodes every window within a 12-mile radius while the Red Arrows do a flypast over my house. I will probably have to take out another mortgage but it'll be worth every penny."
And Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, added: "Remember when they attached millions of gigantic fireworks to the Eiffel Tower? I'll make that look just like a birthday cake."
Elliot Morley said last night: "Gosh, I am terribly forgetful aren't I? Perhaps I should eat more oily fish."
Forgetfulness expert Dr Margaret Gerving said: "As a former agriculture minister he may have spent a bit too much time with farmers. They're always forgetting how rich they are and then claiming thousands of pounds from people much worse off than them."
Mr Morley will today attend a brief ceremony at the London office of the Guinness Book of World Records after which he is expected to hand himself in to the police.
MPs CALL FOR BAN ON HUGE, IRRESISTIBLE TELEVISIONS
MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.
As politicians attempted to rebuild their shattered reputations, they said it was no coincidence the expenses system began to spiral out of control shortly after the introduction of the first widescreen LCD TV with Dolby digital surround sound.
Veteran Labour backbencher Sir Gerald Kauffman, said: "Cynical manufacturers are making these exquisite televisions as expensive as they possibly can, knowing full well that it simply makes them even more attractive to vulnerable MPs. "Within a few years of the first flat screen models they started developing things like high-definition and built-in Freeview tuners. For an MP, that's like adding crack cocaine to a bottle of chocolate heroin."
A committee of senior members from across the House is now drafting emergency legislation that will make it illegal to import a television larger than 19 inches, while the government is urging Japan, Germany and South Korea to convert their television factories into strawberry farms.
Mr Kauffman, who somehow managed to spend more than £8000 on one television set, added: "And of course one cannot be expected to watch a 50 inch, wall-mounted Bang and Olufsen in an old battered chair that sits atop a cheap, grubby-looking, non-Harrods rug. That would be an insult to the television."
Angus Robertson, the SNP leader at Westminster, said he was forced to spend £1100 on a beautifully engineered high-definition television so that he could 'watch political programmes as the director intended'.
He said: "The cinematography on the Politics Show is simply breathtaking. It makes Lawrence of Arabia look like some amateur wedding video made by a four year-old dog."
Meanwhile Shahid Malik, the former home office minister, said the television culture had become so insidious that he was forced to record himself being interviewed, freeze frame his own face on a huge £2000 flat screen and and then stare at it in the dark while sitting in a large, vibrating chair.
THERE'S NO MORE MONEY, SAYS MAN WHO PRINTS ALL THE MONEY
BRITAIN has run out of money, the man who prints it said last night. Bank of England governor Mervyn King urged everyone to take his word for it and that if they didn't believe him he could show them the big room where he keeps it all.
Mr King's comments have put him on a collision course with prime minister Gordon Brown who last night insisted the Great Money Forest of Hampshire would soon be in bloom, promising a bumper harvest of ripe, crisp tenners.
But Mr King told a committee of MPs yesterday: "If anyone is still inclined to agree with the prime minister's magical Hampshire forest theory, I would advise you to open your wallet, get out a ten pound note and read it.
"You will notice that across the top, in large, capital letters, it says 'Bank of England'. Well, I'm the boss of that.
"And if I can draw your attention to the bottom left hand corner, you will see that it's signed by someone called the 'Chief Cashier'. That's right, you've guessed it, he works for me.
"If you then turn it over you will see there is also a portrait of the eminent scientist Charles Darwin, who, if he was alive today, would undoubtedly agree with my assessment, what with him not being a complete bloody idiot."
Mr King added: "I might be persuaded to print a little bit more money later in the year so that RBS can give Sir Fred Goodwin enough cash to finally buy his own volcano, but that is absolutely it."
A Downing Street spokesman said: "Everyone in the world agrees with the prime minister that we need to keep spending loads more money - except the Conservatives. And the Bank of England. And the CBI. And the French and the Germans and the European Central bank?"
JACQUI SMITH CHANGES NAME TO 'TRIXIE BEAVER'
HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has changed her name to 'Trixie Beaver', it was confirmed last night.
Ms Smith said the new name was a major step forward in her drive to complete the pornification of the Home Office by the end of this year.
The minister has instructed all staff to adopt their porn names, while the department's website will become a showcase for shockingly explicit Japanese home movies and renamed www.tokyoslutsonfire.gov.uk.
A Home Office spokesman said: "The Home secretary's first pet was an old donkey named Trixie and her first home was in Beaver Close in Malvern. We also used a random porn name generator which produced 'Madam Jammer', but that'll just be for Friday nights."
All male staff will be given three weeks to grow a thick moustache, while all female staff higher than grade four will now be known as 'vixens'.
Meanwhile junior female staff will be told to behave like young, naive country girls who have just arrived in the big city and are willing to try anything once.
Later this month Ms Smith and a delegation of senior Home Office officials will embark on a fact-finding mission to the US city of Dallas in a bid to find out exactly what Debbie did and where she did it.
Other government departments are expected to follow suit over the next six months with the Department of Health finalising a series of pamphlets on oral fun.
But chancellor Alistair Darling stressed there were no plans to pornify the Treasury as it has been screwing Britain in a wide variety of exotic positions for over a decade.
RYANAIR PLANES TO SMELL STRONGLY OF URINE AND FAECES
BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.
The company said that by removing the toilets, adding extra seats and transforming its planes into flying cesspits it was simply keeping pace with customer expectations.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Passengers should feel free to urinate on their seats or into a cup which they can then hand to the cabin crew who will be going up and down the aisle with a couple of buckets.
"Inevitably, given the nature of air travel, there will be some spillage, but the whole point of this policy is to make sure the aircraft is awash with as much human waste as possible.
"Anyone who has to expel solids can either turn round in their seat and try and squeeze it into the little magazine pocket, or they can take the magazine and squat in the aisle for a few minutes if that's more comfortable."
He added: "As always, Ryanair's first priority is the health and safety of our staff so we will be giving them climbing boots and crampons so they don't keep slipping in all that fresh dung."
Tom Logan, a frequent flyer from London, said: "I'm really looking forward to loading up on curry and Guinness and then going off like a muck spreader the next time I fly to Bratislava."
A spokesman for rivals easyJet said: "Letting people shit and piss all over the plane... no, I don't think we'll be doing that."
JACKSON TO BE SOLD FOR SPARES
MICHAEL Jackson's London concerts will be his last public appearances before he is broken down into his constituent parts and auctioned off for scrap, it has been confirmed. The singer's mangement said the cost of repairing the 50 year-old had become prohibitive and that he had now been rendered obsolete by newer, more efficient pop stars.
Experts say the latest version of Pharell Williams can produce four times the amount of falsetto- based pop-funk but with fewer outward signs of total insanity.
Producer Quincy Jones has placed a $9m reserve bid on the singer's feet so he can finally learn how to moonwalk, while a Japanese businessman has bid an undisclosed sum for Jackson's hair, which will be placed in a private collection alongside Nat King Cole's larynx and the knees of James Brown.
Jackson will combine his O2 arena concerts with an enormous carboot sale, selling what is left of his unhinged, 35 year-long shopping spree.
The singer's spokesman said: "There's eight thousand bags of out-of-date monkey feed, a thirty foot statue of Macauley Culkin touching his toes and a lifesize watercolour portrait of Michael doing the 'Thriller' dance with the Elephant Man's skeleton." Meanwhile queues are already forming outside the venue as hundreds of middle-aged virgins with self-printed Jackson t-shirts mill about, comparing buttock tattoos of the singer that look like someone wearing a 'Scream' mask and one of Elizabeth Talylor's old wigs.
An O2 spokesman said: "It's easily the biggest collection of obsessive fruit-loops to hit the UK since the funeral of Princess Diana."
SO, WHERE'S ALL THE bloody GRIT? ASKS BRITAIN
PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what has happened to all the grit.
As grit supplies ran low, leading to thousands of car crashes, motorists said that if there is one thing you would think the council could not cock up, it would be making sure there's enough grit.
Experts claim the shortage has been caused by climate change, childhood obesity, or possiibly the influx of unskilled, non-EU immigrants.
A spokesman for Hertfordshire County Council said: "I have seen some rather fat, hungry looking children hanging around the depot.
"And let's not forget that one of the most devastating effects of climate change is to make council officials forget to order more grit.
"But no, on second thoughts you're right, it's probably all that immigration."
The grit shortage has also presented Britain's newspapers with their most irresistible metaphor since that big, stinking cloud wafted across the Channel from Brussels in 2007.
Melanie Phillips, writing in the Daily Mail, said: "As if it was not already obvious, modern Britain has no grit.
"The arctic weather has exposed not only our lack of grit, but also, and in a very real sense, our lack of grit.
"DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?"
RBS EXECS TO REV THEIR FERRARIS VERY LOUDLY OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE
ROYAL Bank of Scotland executives are to use their six figure bonuses to buy Ferraris which they will then rev loudly right in front of your house.
The bankers said they wanted to thank you for all the money in a really insincere way which not only rubs it in but reminds you what idiots you've been.
An RBS spokesman said: "When you come to the window they will wave and shout 'cheers sucker!' before tooting the horn and driving the car the 20 yards to your neighbour's house where they will then repeat the process.
"Admittedly this will take up quite a lot of office time but when you get £20 billion from the taxpayer for, essentially, cocking up, work does tend to become less of a priority."
After the gloating the bankers will then drive their Ferraris to a rally in Hyde Park where they will hold a contest to decide who is most like Ferris Bueller.
Tom Logan, an executive in the small business division, said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
He added: "This is my ninth sick day this month. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably gonna have to barf up a lung. So I better make this one count."
Logan then jumped on a passing float, grabbed the microphone and gave an outstanding rendition of Twist and Shout.
WIND TURBINE DAMAGE 'MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ALIENS'
DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.
Police insist the most likely explanation for the damage to the 300-ft turbine is a high speed crash involving an extra-terrestrial spacecraft.
One of the blades was badly dented and another disappeared, as is often the case in alien-windfarm collisions.
Inspector Tom Logan said: "What seems to have happened is an alien being has travelled millions of light years across space from a planet we have never heard of, using technology we can only dream about, and then collided with a windfarm in Conisholme.
"I've said it before - these alien craft are designed for high-speed intergalactic travel. They do not handle well in the Earth's atmosphere, mainly due to our fluctuating magnetic fields.
"The aliens need to slow down or preferably use a different mode of transport once they arrive on Earth. There's an excellent bus service between Mablethorpe and Market Rasen."
Although police consider aliens the most likely explanation they are not ruling out other lines of enquiry, including giant wasps or a massive urang utan.
Local villagers have also reported gangs of angry voles with ladders, while nearby farmyards are being checked for cow catapults.
IT'S A HORRIBLE LIFE
GORDON Brown sat on the railing of the old iron bridge that takes people in and out of the small town of Bedford Falls and stared at the freezing water. Everything was messed up. Some people were saying it was all his fault. Maybe it was. Maybe it would be better if he just jumped into that deep, dark river and let it swallow him whole. He sighed and shook his head, wondering if he really had the courage.
Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see the smiling face of a kindly old man. The stranger held out his hand. "Hello Gordon, I'm Clarence," he said.
"Looks like you're fixing to do something drastic," said Clarence. "Well, let's just take a minute. Tell me Gordon, have you ever wondered what the world would be like if you had never existed? No? Well let's have a look, shall we?"
In the blink of an eye Gordon found himself transported to the middle of Main Street. Amid the glowing lights the good people of Bedford Falls were enjoying their last minute Christmas shopping. A cheerful song and the smell of roasted chestnuts filled the air. Everyone wished each other 'happy holidays!' as the shopkeepers stood in their doorways, beaming with delight and looking forward to another prosperous year.
"Nothing like having a man in charge who knows not to spend money you don't have on things you don't need and to save something for a rainy day," said Mr Malley, the baker.
"Last thing this town needs is a man who gives jobs and big, fat pensions to all and sundry at our expense just so as they'll vote for him," replied Mr Logan, the butcher.
Gordon spun around, taking it all in. His drab little town seemed so alive. With the giddy excitement of a child on Christmas morning he raced along the pavement, running so fast he almost tumbled over. "Hello Woolworths!" he shouted. "Hello MFI! Hello Whittards!"
But just as as he reached the local branch of Northern Rock, everything turned dark. He looked back along Main Street to see the shops boarded up, and for sale signs in every window. Mr Logan, a cleaver in each hand, was desperately fighting off some local youths. A burning mattress was the only source of light and somewhere in the darkness, someone screamed.
In an instant Gordon was back at the old bridge. Clarence appeared at his shoulder. "I'm afraid that's how life really is Gordon. And yes, it is all your fault, you total arsehole. Anyway, I just wanted you to see all that before I pushed you in."
And with that Clarence grabbed Gordon by the heels and tipped him into the dark, freezing river.
They found his hat three days later
GOVERNMENT TO BAIL OUT PATHETIC LAPLAND THEME PARK
LORD Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.
The business secretary insisted the ludicrous attempt at recreating Santa's magical wonderland was essential to Britain's economic future.
He added: "Christmas is the most businessy time of the year and nothing is more important than Christmassy businesses.
"Future generations are unlikely to forgive us if we do not save at least one tawdry hellhole where they can dump their children for six hours while they continue their search for cheap alcohol."
But opposition parties said the government should not be in the business of picking business winners and stressed that the Lapland theme park was unbelievably pathetic.
A Lib Dem spokesman said: "It's basically two garden sheds and a stuffed badger with a Comic Relief nose.
"The 'elves' are obviously just drunk, angry Welshmen while Santa is a foul-smelling Polish gentleman who lets the children sit on his knee but then gives them a flyer for his plumbing business."
Other firms on Lord Mandelson's list include Corbett and Barker's Stationery and Saddle Emporium, the Coventry and District Pigeon Mart, Betamax Video Recorders-R-Us and the Daily Mirror.
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PREDICTIONS FOR 2009
January. The New Year will begin, almost certainly, on the 1st January, although for some civil servants, it may not be until at least the 16th.
George Michael's new single "I'm going for a cottage in the country" will reach number one, although there will be accusations of chart entry via back door methods.
February. Gordon Brown announces a tax on tax. Everyone paying income tax will have to pay the new ITT (Income Tax Tax) at a rate of 4% on every pound they pay in tax.
Amazon.co.uk will court controversy by losing CD's in the post, namely "The Eagles Greatest Hits" and "Pavarotti sings the Sex Pistols". Gordon Brown will deny all responsibility despite it not being his fault.
April. Tesco will reduce the price of their Christmas trees, crackers, wrapping paper and other Christmas profit-generating crap.
May. The entire Manchester United football team, including Alex Ferguson, will get through an entire football match without spitting, chewing gum or attempting a Bafta award-winning fall.
June. June is designated as British Annual Water Shortage Month, with celebrations of localised hosepipe bans and forest fires.
Tesco announce a Christmas sale.
July. An animal month. An English Sheepdog called Phyllis wins "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" and Dingo the Donkey wins the East Ham by-election caused by the death of some chap with a moustache and glasses. Unison decide it is in the best interest of their members to organise a national strike ballot in sympathy with overworked bus drivers in Bogota.
August. The LibDems announce their 2002 election manifesto. No one has the heart to shatter their illusions by telling them it's 2009. Rare British Coronation postage stamps are discovered on some undelivered mail from 1953. Wales declares the 14th as National Self-Abuse Day.
September. Arnold McFroggitt of Lerwick in Scotland is fined by e-bay for selling the Scottish Government on their auction website. A refund had to be made, as someone buys it for 47 Euros.
December. Easter Eggs go on sale in Tesco. The Internet Research Company release figures showing that up to 3% of the world's spam is genuine email. Hewlett Packard invent a computer printer that never runs out of ink because it never works from the minute it is taken out of its box.
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